The grieving process continues in various ways

 This is another challenging post to write about. So many thoughts come to mind along the way, but I will try not to ramble too much!

I recently came across another basket filled with her journal notebooks and papers. Most of it has been reminders of the challenges in her life, that were triggered by things she dealt with from a very young age, especially being a sexual abuse victim. Her writings have been heart breaking to read, and for the most part were things she was struggling with internally, that often affected how she felt she functioned throughout her adult life. In spite of how much I miss her, I also thank God regularly for rescuing her from the tragic memories, and the impacts of the devil leading her down a wrong path.

I continue to get out and re-visit places that we enjoyed, such as the Tulip Tree Trail. Here is one of my favourite photos that she obliged me with.

 This is what it looked like a few days ago, as I stopped to 'chat' with her. I thought I heard the middle tree wishing she was there to give it a hug :-).

 Here is one I took of her elsewhere along that trail, as she was taking a photo one late autumn day.

And a few days ago....again it is missing someone special.

 Almost immediately after Marie passed away, I was given various books and pamphlets on the topic of grief by several individuals. They were all so helpful and much appreciated, but the topic in one was particularly helpful/insightful. It was about something called Anticipatory Grief. I hadn’t realized how true it was! When a spouse dies suddenly as a result of a vehicle accident or a heart attack, the grief comes on very suddenly and is traumatic, no question. When a person is on the decline for several years, the slow process affects the survivor much more gradually as the awareness of their spouse moving on to the afterlife starts to become more apparent. But the changes are slow, as the supporting spouse expands their support, doing things for the declining one, slowly and steadily for years. And that certainly has been the case with Marie and I.

When did it start? In hindsight it was many, many years ago as it was apparent to me that she was on the physical and even spiritual decline due to the subtle influence of the devil. Not constantly, as she could still be her fun, thoughtful, creative self, from time to time, and some things that we did were not that different from what had been normal. However in hindsight, those activities were definitely becoming more limited it seemed. It is hard to pin point when the anticipatory grief started with me. Given that Marie was dealing with various things that took place from her childhood, resulting in such things as counselor visits going back more than 30 years, the changes in her took place very gradually and maybe the anticipatory grief was underway with me way earlier.

I’ve been continuing to read some of her journals which I have just recently come across, and the frustration/comments she was writing about in the early ‘90s, very much related to questions and thoughts she had about her childhood. So sad that this was the ongoing issue for her throughout her life.

Examples of some of her many journals

Lots of people deal with struggles in various ways. I suspect it was well over a decade ago that it was apparent Marie was on a significant decline. Because the majority of the struggles were internal, she didn’t look like it was taking effect. In fact even when she was in the hospital a few months before she passed, a nurse came in, looking for a seventy-year-old woman, and thought she was checking in the wrong room, as Marie always looked younger than she actually was, and often looked pleasant and cheerful. And even when she eventually passed, many of even her closest friends were surprised as they had no outward indication the end was near.

In a recent Sunday service I listened to, the topic was forgiveness. And I found that difficult to listen to, as while it is the basis for our salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross for our many sins, it was not something that Marie was led to put into practice from any of the many counselors she spent time with for so many years in trying to heal.  I kept thinking about the various Christian writers that have emphasized forgiveness was absolutely important, especially for children who have been a victim of sexual abuse. Also the statement that Corrie Ten Boom has been known for, that “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner was you.” So simple, and so true! I decided to forgive all of the counselors who failed to speak the truth.

Of course the grief continues for me. I was given another grief-related book from my older sister (thanks, sis!) by Wally Stephenson. 

His wife and daughter were killed suddenly in a traffic accident, so his thoughts and perspective are certainly based partly on his own experience as well as his profession as a pastor.  It is very well done, and of the various aspects of grief he covers, I am finding (so far) that there are three especially relevant/timely themes for me, and not in any particular priority, along with a quote or two from his book:

-Combatting Loneliness: especially in winter when going out is less attractive due to weather, not as much to see and even more limited human interaction. Therefore popular trails, with reminders of Marie as shown above, have mixed emotions attached to them.

-Feeling Exhausted: struggling with so many mundane things around home, just for myself, and not to benefit a spouse. At times, even for a few moments, there are feelings of depression. "I had not known that sorrow could cause such profound exhaustion.....exhaustion is a normal aspect of grieving."

-Working Through Pain And Loss: so many memories of things pertaining to Marie around the house, as I struggle to decide what to keep, what to give away, amidst lots of photos of what a special person she was to me for so many years. "He wants His power to rest upon me, to transform my liability into an asset for His glory."

And so many, many more thoughts he shared in this book. 

Overall, there is now so much more time being reflective of the many blessings over the years before I met Marie, and of course so many more after having met her and being married to her! I am also very much missing the presence and positive interaction with a significant human companion after so many decades with that relationship being a solid basis for daily function. There are many day-to-day household ‘chores’ in keeping a house but now it is just for my own benefit, not for Marie, so there’s far less motivation to do all the things that require attention.

If I try to be self sufficient, I will rely less on God’s provision, etc. So with all of the things I have lost with the loss of Marie, I have depended on God in many more ways for my mental/spiritual state especially. There has been much more ongoing communion with Him which of course has been a blessing, although the presence of a human companion is also important/beneficial and missing.

Regrets.... 

As one pores over the many memories, there are regrets about the past. I think anyone remembering the various things of yesteryear will have regrets as one ponders things in hindsight. Most Christian counselors recommend not dwelling on them since you can’t change them; you probably did the best you could at the time, and under the circumstances. I think about all the things that Marie was going through in her heart and mind, struggling with, which I have a better understanding of now. Therefore I wonder if we, or at least I, had a better handle on such things with the enormity of what I have learned over the past few years would have made a difference. Would our prayers and approach have been different, more effective at healing and recovery, etc. However God knew even before Marie was born, what she would be dealing with, and God knew even before I was born what I would have to deal with at this stage of my journey. So thankful that Jesus became her Saviour when she was a teenager, and He brought us together and even though the almost 48 years together weren’t perfect, they were so much of a blessing. I could never have imagined or planned for what I am going through now….so different from my earlier years. But it is part of God’s plan and I try and listen to the Holy Spirit speaking to me, encouraging me, etc., in various ways to be sure to follow God’s plan for my life for however many years I have left. So overwhelmingly sad to reflect on such things over the years, and always thankful to God for rescuing her when He did, and now He is looking after me as I trust in Him. 

Certainly reading about the Near Death Experiences and how beautiful heaven is with so much love from Jesus; meeting so many family and friends who are there waiting; knowing that the heavenly realm is so much more incredibly beautiful and wonderful than even the most appealing places on earth; is incredibly inspirational. It makes one want to get there sooner, especially when one realizes the world we live in seems to be falling apart quite steadily as the devil is making inroads everywhere. But God has plans for me even in these latter years of my earthly life, so I don’t want to get there before I have completed the task He has given me.

However that brings a rather recently released song to mind, from a well-known Christian singer/songwriter, called Homesick For Heaven, by Phil Wickham. WOW…what a song!  Here is the link.

My next post, according to my current plan, is to highlight some of the many wonderfully generous, and creative things that Marie did especially over the early years of our married life.

 

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