The grieving process can take one in many different directions, and a lot of time. It has been about 2.5 years since Marie passed. I have had many books, pamphlets etc., to read, and help me through the grieving process. I have also been encouraged to join a grief share group for a few weeks, as it often enables many people to wade through the process. I am considering it….
Not to diminish in general the loss of a spouse, parent, sibling, child or whoever, but it is sometimes a rather direct cause, such as a heart attack, a vehicle accident or something, and may be fairly sudden. That can be devastating, for certain, and the grieving process will be difficult. Or it may be a long-term illness that takes several years to unfold. Believe me, I am not trying to diminish the loss. However I am quite convinced that in the situation that Marie and I were dealing with, resulting in her passing and my loss, it is quite a bit more complicated due to lifelong circumstances. It all started when she was quite young and continued in one way or another throughout her life. I pray that what I share will make some sense and be sensitive, but it will be a challenge to express the realities that have taken over.
First of all, I am quite convinced that God knew about all of this even before He created us, and brought us together for a definite purpose in the interesting way that I shared in a much earlier post. And I couldn’t be more thankful, and I praise God multiple times a day for the blessing it has been to have Marie as my wife and best friend. She is definitely a treasure and a gift from God.
She wasn’t perfect, none of us are, but God knew she was perfect for me. He also knew what we would be experiencing and faced with both as individuals and as a couple right from our earliest years. No question that I am so glad that He rescued her from the trauma she was struggling with, and the path she was heading down on. She is now even more perfect and beautiful in God’s heavenly realm. And now that she is gone, I have undergone an incredibly challenging learning curve, based in part on the content of so many of her journals that she was writing that go back to even before we ever met, and certainly a lot over the course of our marriage. I came across boxes of those journals after she passed, and read most of them. It was heart-wrenching to get a better understanding of her struggles.
As most of you will be aware, Marie was a victim of child sexual abuse via one or more perpetrators in the first few years of her life, and had an impact on her immediately. She was a real cutie even back then as the above photo shows her at about age 2! Those memories were tucked away as a defensive mechanism for years, but became more and more real to her in the adult years. She rarely expressed anything related to them to others, and most people never has any idea of what she was dealing with and how they were affecting her even towards the end. There is a reason they stayed less well understood in her earlier teenage/adult years, and I described a bit of that in an earlier blog as well. However one of the most important things to know, is that through the sexual abuse as well as other things which are somewhat less clear, but not through anything she was responsible for, the devil was having his way with her in various ways. There were demons affecting her, but I won’t go into details. There is 100% certainty that the demons were real. However the details are private and personal, and I have only mentioned them to one other person who we were spiritually connected to back in the ‘90s, and he was quite understanding and amazed at the reality of it. The demons were exorcised at the time, but according to Scripture (Luke 11: 25-27) which I have come across since then, they can return and bring fellow demons along with them. And they did, and I am totally convinced they were a significant reason for Marie’s decline and passing.
As I said earlier, God knew what we would be dealing with throughout our lives, even as we got older, as individuals and as a couple that He brought together for a purpose. His plans are what are best, no question. And one of the things I am struggling with, is what God intends for me to do with all of the things I have learned over the years regarding Marie’s struggles, especially in recent years. And how they now are impacting me, and am I learning all of this to be helpful to someone else? Or for some other reason??? Maybe just to rely on His love and faithfulness in all things, which I am learning to do more and more? God’s plans are perfect, and amazing, and on the one hand I am excited for those plans to unfold as my spiritual growth is evident to me. But since this is an area/topic which has become a more significant part of my life in recent years, what am I expected to do with it, and when? I can trust in Him to continue to help me grow bit by bit or perhaps in leaps and bounds, in preparation for those plans to unfold. It is intimidating in one sense, as this is very much new territory for me. But His plans are best! And I constantly pray many times a day for ears to hear His Holy Spirit speaking His truth to my heart and mind, and not be deceived by the lies of the devil who I know is trying to mess me up. As long as I hear God’s spirit speaking His truth to me, and act in accordance with His plans, it is what is best, that is for certain.
As an update, I have joined a local Grief Share group, which has just started recently. There likely will be some helpful things to discover over the weeks, in addition to some socialization with folks who are going through similar things.
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