The grieving process continues in various ways

 This is another challenging post to write about. So many thoughts come to mind along the way, but I will try not to ramble too much!

I recently came across another basket filled with her journal notebooks and papers. Most of it has been reminders of the challenges in her life, that were triggered by things she dealt with from a very young age, especially being a sexual abuse victim. Her writings have been heart breaking to read, and for the most part were things she was struggling with internally, that often affected how she felt she functioned throughout her adult life. In spite of how much I miss her, I also thank God regularly for rescuing her from the tragic memories, and the impacts of the devil leading her down a wrong path.

I continue to get out and re-visit places that we enjoyed, such as the Tulip Tree Trail. Here is one of my favourite photos that she obliged me with.

 This is what it looked like a few days ago, as I stopped to 'chat' with her. I thought I heard the middle tree wishing she was there to give it a hug :-).

 Here is one I took of her elsewhere along that trail, as she was taking a photo one late autumn day.

And a few days ago....again it is missing someone special.

 Almost immediately after Marie passed away, I was given various books and pamphlets on the topic of grief by several individuals. They were all so helpful and much appreciated, but the topic in one was particularly helpful/insightful. It was about something called Anticipatory Grief. I hadn’t realized how true it was! When a spouse dies suddenly as a result of a vehicle accident or a heart attack, the grief comes on very suddenly and is traumatic, no question. When a person is on the decline for several years, the slow process affects the survivor much more gradually as the awareness of their spouse moving on to the afterlife starts to become more apparent. But the changes are slow, as the supporting spouse expands their support, doing things for the declining one, slowly and steadily for years. And that certainly has been the case with Marie and I.

When did it start? In hindsight it was many, many years ago as it was apparent to me that she was on the physical and even spiritual decline due to the subtle influence of the devil. Not constantly, as she could still be her fun, thoughtful, creative self, from time to time, and some things that we did were not that different from what had been normal. However in hindsight, those activities were definitely becoming more limited it seemed. It is hard to pin point when the anticipatory grief started with me. Given that Marie was dealing with various things that took place from her childhood, resulting in such things as counselor visits going back more than 30 years, the changes in her took place very gradually and maybe the anticipatory grief was underway with me way earlier.

I’ve been continuing to read some of her journals which I have just recently come across, and the frustration/comments she was writing about in the early ‘90s, very much related to questions and thoughts she had about her childhood. So sad that this was the ongoing issue for her throughout her life.

Examples of some of her many journals

Lots of people deal with struggles in various ways. I suspect it was well over a decade ago that it was apparent Marie was on a significant decline. Because the majority of the struggles were internal, she didn’t look like it was taking effect. In fact even when she was in the hospital a few months before she passed, a nurse came in, looking for a seventy-year-old woman, and thought she was checking in the wrong room, as Marie always looked younger than she actually was, and often looked pleasant and cheerful. And even when she eventually passed, many of even her closest friends were surprised as they had no outward indication the end was near.

In a recent Sunday service I listened to, the topic was forgiveness. And I found that difficult to listen to, as while it is the basis for our salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross for our many sins, it was not something that Marie was led to put into practice from any of the many counselors she spent time with for so many years in trying to heal.  I kept thinking about the various Christian writers that have emphasized forgiveness was absolutely important, especially for children who have been a victim of sexual abuse. Also the statement that Corrie Ten Boom has been known for, that “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner was you.” So simple, and so true! I decided to forgive all of the counselors who failed to speak the truth.

Of course the grief continues for me. I was given another grief-related book from my older sister (thanks, sis!) by Wally Stephenson. 

His wife and daughter were killed suddenly in a traffic accident, so his thoughts and perspective are certainly based partly on his own experience as well as his profession as a pastor.  It is very well done, and of the various aspects of grief he covers, I am finding (so far) that there are three especially relevant/timely themes for me, and not in any particular priority, along with a quote or two from his book:

-Combatting Loneliness: especially in winter when going out is less attractive due to weather, not as much to see and even more limited human interaction. Therefore popular trails, with reminders of Marie as shown above, have mixed emotions attached to them.

-Feeling Exhausted: struggling with so many mundane things around home, just for myself, and not to benefit a spouse. At times, even for a few moments, there are feelings of depression. "I had not known that sorrow could cause such profound exhaustion.....exhaustion is a normal aspect of grieving."

-Working Through Pain And Loss: so many memories of things pertaining to Marie around the house, as I struggle to decide what to keep, what to give away, amidst lots of photos of what a special person she was to me for so many years. "He wants His power to rest upon me, to transform my liability into an asset for His glory."

And so many, many more thoughts he shared in this book. 

Overall, there is now so much more time being reflective of the many blessings over the years before I met Marie, and of course so many more after having met her and being married to her! I am also very much missing the presence and positive interaction with a significant human companion after so many decades with that relationship being a solid basis for daily function. There are many day-to-day household ‘chores’ in keeping a house but now it is just for my own benefit, not for Marie, so there’s far less motivation to do all the things that require attention.

If I try to be self sufficient, I will rely less on God’s provision, etc. So with all of the things I have lost with the loss of Marie, I have depended on God in many more ways for my mental/spiritual state especially. There has been much more ongoing communion with Him which of course has been a blessing, although the presence of a human companion is also important/beneficial and missing.

Regrets.... 

As one pores over the many memories, there are regrets about the past. I think anyone remembering the various things of yesteryear will have regrets as one ponders things in hindsight. Most Christian counselors recommend not dwelling on them since you can’t change them; you probably did the best you could at the time, and under the circumstances. I think about all the things that Marie was going through in her heart and mind, struggling with, which I have a better understanding of now. Therefore I wonder if we, or at least I, had a better handle on such things with the enormity of what I have learned over the past few years would have made a difference. Would our prayers and approach have been different, more effective at healing and recovery, etc. However God knew even before Marie was born, what she would be dealing with, and God knew even before I was born what I would have to deal with at this stage of my journey. So thankful that Jesus became her Saviour when she was a teenager, and He brought us together and even though the almost 48 years together weren’t perfect, they were so much of a blessing. I could never have imagined or planned for what I am going through now….so different from my earlier years. But it is part of God’s plan and I try and listen to the Holy Spirit speaking to me, encouraging me, etc., in various ways to be sure to follow God’s plan for my life for however many years I have left. So overwhelmingly sad to reflect on such things over the years, and always thankful to God for rescuing her when He did, and now He is looking after me as I trust in Him. 

Certainly reading about the Near Death Experiences and how beautiful heaven is with so much love from Jesus; meeting so many family and friends who are there waiting; knowing that the heavenly realm is so much more incredibly beautiful and wonderful than even the most appealing places on earth; is incredibly inspirational. It makes one want to get there sooner, especially when one realizes the world we live in seems to be falling apart quite steadily as the devil is making inroads everywhere. But God has plans for me even in these latter years of my earthly life, so I don’t want to get there before I have completed the task He has given me.

However that brings a rather recently released song to mind, from a well-known Christian singer/songwriter, called Homesick For Heaven, by Phil Wickham. WOW…what a song!  Here is the link.

My next post, according to my current plan, is to highlight some of the many wonderfully generous, and creative things that Marie did especially over the early years of our married life.

 

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Photographing some incredibly beautiful, small elements of God's creation!

Back in the day when Marie and I were living in Rondeau, and I was the park naturalist, I had a curiosity about moths, among many other things. A friend of mine had been looking for moths long before I had, and he put me onto a method of attracting them. It was called sugaring and there was an older book on the park's shelves which was helpful to explain the process, and even help identify some of the moths one might encounter.

Essentially what you needed was a bottle of stale beer, an over-ripe banana or two, some molasses and some brown sugar. Mix them well, and then after dark, brush some of the mixture onto a tree trunk. Check the tree trunk from time to time, and see if anything comes in. I had a bit of success in getting some moths, although the occasional raccoon stopped by to lick away at it as well. One of the main groups of moths that would show up to sip the solution were the Underwings (Catocala spp.) This first photo is of a Sweetheart Underwing, which I took much more recently as I sometimes did a bit of sugaring along with my black light set up, as underwings don't often come to lights. Underwings are well known for their brightly coloured and usually distinctive underwing pattern, although when the forewings are closed, they can blend in with their surrounding very well. You can see a bit of the sugaring solution dribbling down the tree bark, being sipped by the moth. 

 I managed to attract a few, and probably got a few record photos on slide film back in those days. This friend of mine who was fairly serious about moth collecting, had a bottle of potassium cyanide with which to put the live moth in, in order to kill it fairly quickly so it could then be mounted for his moth collection. Due to its extreme danger, it was not something you could just get at a store. He had special permission for it when he acquired it years earlier. He gave me a bottle, but I never used it since I wasn't into collecting the moths. When we moved to Chatham a few years later and there was a special event in the municipality to collect things that couldn't be put in the regular garbage or recycling, I took the bottle and explained what it was for. In the next issue of the local paper explaining the success of the collecting, my jar of potassium cyanide was featured as one of the most unusual things that had ever been contributed! 

But sugaring wasn't quite as productive as I was hoping, and I had lots of other things needing attention. After a few years my job changed so that we moved to Chatham and I didn't pursue the sugaring process very eagerly or successfully. But it was a start.

Fast forward to about 2015. Many different species of moths are well known for being attracted to lights. So in my retirement years, I acquired a 'black light' and started setting up in various places. This first photo shows what it looks like, a bit before dark.

 And then after dark...

 Almost immediately there was a multitude of insects attracted to the light, many of which were not moths. Beetles, bugs, crickets, midges, crane flies, dragonflies, leafhoppers, spiders, etc., and of course moths, were all at the sheet eventually. Here is a sample of a very small patch of the white sheet, none of which are moths; two leafhoppers more or less in the centre, and very different two beetles. In peak midge season, the sheet can be almost completely covered, along with the occasional other creature.

Green Stink Bug with midges

Over the years, I spent a lot of evenings, even into the early morning hours, watching, waiting and photographing quite a diversity of God's little creatures that are largely ignored by most people. For the average person, moths are those little drab things that splat on your windshield as you are driving after dark. Admittedly many moth species are very small and not all that brightly coloured. But they are incredibly diverse and have provided many hours of enjoyment for me with the camera/flash set-up.

Since I got back into photographing these night-time creatures with my black-light, I have spent the bulk of my time in at least a dozen different habitats at Rondeau. I have also had the lights set up in my back yard, but have been to many other places, some in Chatham-Kent, such as Clear Creek Forest Prov Park and Sinclair's Bush Conservation Area. In Lambton Co it has included Reid Conservation area, Bickford Oak Woods Conservation Reserve and Moore Wildlife Area. In Middlesex Co, I have been to Skunk's Misery as well as the Sydenham River Nature Reserve. In Elgin Co, I have been to the private Newport Forest at the request of its owner, and is currently owned by the Thames Talbot Land Trust. As all of these occurrences have been well after dark, sometimes even after midnight, permission is requested since it is an atypical activity which may trigger special investigation. One time I even had an OPP officer check me out! It turned out that he was an acquaintance and nearby neighbour so we had a good chat. 

I have had other places in mind, but of course in the last couple of years as Marie was on the decline, I cut back quite a bit, and since she passed, have only had the lights on in my back yard once or twice. I have more time now, of course, but the motivation isn't the same as it once was, and coming home to an empty house well after dark just isn't the same. Perhaps I will get back into it a bit more this coming season, time will tell. Just putting this post together has gotten my interest up again, so maybe it will be part of my outdoor photography times in 2026.

The diversity of moths is amazing! In my efforts so far, I have photographed more than 750 species, plus numerous other creatures that came to visit, and have well over 3500 photos on iNaturalist from the various locations. At Rondeau alone, I have photographed well over 500 species. There have been a few other people photographing moths at Rondeau, but far less intensively, and the total list for the park to date is 784 species. If Rondeau was thoroughly surveyed, I am sure there would be well over 1000 species, maybe even 1500 due to the highly diverse habitats, so there are good reasons to continue in 2026 and beyond. I had always intended to set up my black lights well out along the Marsh Trail, as the habitat there is quite different, but since the trail was partially destroyed by erosion a few years ago and is no longer accessible by vehicle, it is a habitat that will likely get missed, unfortunately. Who knows what diversity is being missed??

One of the motivations to black light is, in addition to capture the wonderful diversity, is that you never know what you might find, and that has been a highlight at times. For example, even in my own back yard, I photographed a species that was the first record for Canada! It is known as a Coffee-loving Pyrausta Moth.

On another occasion, at Rondeau, I photographed a Goldenrod Stowaway, only the second record for Canada.

As mentioned, many are quite small and not all that colourful, but I want to share a very few of the most colourful or distinctive ones I have had the pleasure to photograph.

Spiny Oak-slug

Next is an unusual pair, and two of my favourite members of the Silk Moth group. The one on the left is a Pink-striped Oakworm Moth, and the one on the right is a Rosy Maple Moth. Most times I am happy to get a good photo of one, as they have a short season, in June. This opportunity to get both of them so close to each other in a single photograph was truly unusual.

Promethea Moth

Pink-shaded Fern Moth

Large Tolype Moth

Harris's Three-spot

Black-bordered Lemon Moth

IO Moth

Chickweed Geometer

Zeller's Ethmia

Glorious Habrosyne

Skiff Moth

Arched Hooktip

Columbine Borer Moth

Hickory Tussock Moth

Orange-headed Epicallima

Scarlet-winged Lichen Moth

Some of these are very tiny, as you can tell by looking at the size of the weave of the white sheet. A very good 100mm macro lens, with extension tubes sometimes used, is a requirement, and of course a good flash. Even at that, almost every photo has been quite cropped.

Not all moths are strictly night-time creatures, but the vast majority are. However here is a day-flying moth which I had the pleasure of photographing in my yard this past year. I was sitting one morning in July, enjoying a second cup of coffee as well as the quiet of the morning, thanking God for so many blessings including Marie, when this Nessus Sphinx moth came by sipping the nectar of a nearby Common Milkweed plant. It didn't seem to be in the least perturbed by my presence, and even allowed me to quickly go into the house and get my photo equipment.

Another day-flying moth similar to the previous one is this Snowberry Clearwing, shown next. I came across it while I was participating in the local butterfly count, and didn't pass up the opportunity to photograph it.

These moths are part of the huge family of Lepidoptera, which also includes butterflies. Most people will relate more closely with butterflies, since they are day flying, sometimes passing through one's back yard as they explore the flowers growing there. I will possibly devote a future post to them.

Certainly there is a lot of effort required to get these photos, and they don't all turn out this well. But the effort to capture the colour and diversity of such an incredible part of God's fabulous creation is so worth it! I am so, so thankful to Him for being able to explore and capture the beauty of a small part of what He has created. And I am totally convinced that the heavenly realm will be so much more colourful and diverse, expressing how wonderful He is!!!

 

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Near Death Experiences, continued

 This will be further thoughts about Near Death Experiences (NDEs), introduced in my previous post, and what awaits each and every one of us.

 Be forewarned: reading some of the things expressed by some of the NDErs in the book, may trigger a few intense emotions, some joyful and others, perhaps very sad.

 I hadn’t been all that aware of NDEs until about a year ago, as described in my previous post. And then it was just an amazing revelation of what they are, and what they mean!

 Each of us was created, by God, with an eternal soul/spirit, that occupies our earthly body for a few decades. The real person of who we are is based on our God-created spirit, not necessarily the human body. But our soul/spirit lives on forever.

 Many of the experiences shared in the book Imagine The God Of Heaven by John Burke, are just overwhelmingly inspirational. As I read through it, I often will just read a few pages and then consider the impact of NDEs on so many people in such an incredible way. I have to put the book down, consider what I have read and have a few joyful and emotional moments thanking and praising God.

People from so many walks of life, be it professional engineers, university professors, medical specialists, doctors and others, have shared what they experienced. Also from so many different religious backgrounds around the world, including Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Jews and atheists. The majority have a commonality in what they experienced. Even a wide range of ages, from 4-year-olds to senior citizens, have shared. For many years, people were hesitant to share, especially those in a highly regarded professional occupation, as they thought people might think they were crazy, and had so much credibility to lose, and certainly no financial gain either. But when more and more experiences came to light, it was amazing how many people have had an NDE and the commonality of what they experienced.

In this day and age when sharing information is so much easier than it was decades ago, I think it is relevant that they are being shared for so many people to know about. Also Burke was initially an agnostic, but once he was introduced to the topic, researched so many NDEs, well over 1000 and growing, he became aware of God’s love and compassion for you and me, His creations. Burke was also averse to public speaking, but eventually he was led to speak on the topic numerous times, to many tens of thousands. He gave up his career in engineering, and became a pastor.

As a result, Burke’s book, as well as various others who had researched the topic over the years which includes the likes of Lee Strobel, Steve Miller, Pim van Lommel and others, have made this topic known world-wide. The results are that it enables people to have a better understanding of how much God loves each and everyone of us, and desires to have an eternal, loving relationship with us in the incredible beauty of His heavenly realm, which makes even the most beautiful aspects of what we see on earth, pale by comparison. And it is all free, since the price for our sins was paid for by Jesus’s sacrificial death on the cross. We all have free will, to accept God’s love or reject it. For anyone rejecting it, the eternal results are not pleasant. Some of those who had an NDE saw what it was like for those who did not accept God’s free gift.

I have read and re-read this book, being so joyfully uplifted by what is written. I have underlined many statements, even entire paragraphs, highlighting so many fantastic things that the NDEs have described which go waaaay beyond our comprehension. As they often say, the human language cannot begin to adequately describe the beauty, the love, and the compassion that they were overwhelmed with.

Here are just a very few things that I have highlighted in my copy:

-everything good in life, all that we love, comes from our Maker and flows from Him.

-the more you realize that God is the source of all love and the love you’ve always longed for is ultimately found in God, the more you will want to seek him and trust in him in faith.

-you and I were created for a unique relationship with God.

-every human being has a soul that lives on after death, in a world overseen by a God of Light and Love

-NDEs are God’s gift to our globally connected world, as widespread evidence of God’s reality and his great love for people of all nations.

-a Muslim stated after meeting God in an NDE “I thought doing good religious work in Islam would get me there, to heaven, but it never happened. I found all I was looking for in Jesus.

-a person who was the victim of sexual abuse as a young child was shown by God in her NDE that “the men who raped me were held hostage by a powerful demon and just as much a victim of evil as I had been, and he wanted all of us set free”.

-an Imam had an NDE, was dead for over twelve hours, and had an incredible experience initially experiencing the demonic world where demons were torturing him when all of a sudden, someone else entered the room and the demons fled. He realized that God was there, had some communication with Him, and then returned to his body, only to discover that since he had been dead for so long, they were preparing him for entombment. When he jumped up and started shouting that he had met Jesus, the Muslims that were there fled! This person eventually became a Christian pastor.

-another NDEr stated that “God’s love for me was intensely personal. I sensed that I was known and loved even before I was born into this world, and his love was unconditional”.

-God is working through you and me to bring light to this dark world.

-even the grass and flowers were singing praises to God 

This next photo is one of my all-time favourite ones I have taken. It is a closeup of an endangered orchid, and it is only known in Canada at Rondeau. It is very small, seldom getting more than 10-12 cm in height, and often being less than 6 cm. It has a peculiar flowering strategy, with each flower bud developing to a certain point, and the flowering being triggered by a significant drop in night-time temperature. It will open on the second morning following that temperature drop, and will only flower for a single day. It may be a week or more before the weather conditions trigger the next flower bud to open. On very rare occasions, a plant may have three flowers open at the same time! Most of the flowers are white, but later in the season, some may be magenta in colour. This photo shows two developing buds and a single flower, which is looking upwards and singing praises to its creator! 

Nodding Pogonia

More things I have highlighted:

 -the only thing that can keep us out of heaven is our pride. God gives us free will to choose to accept or reject Him. The results of accepting Him or rejecting Him in the after-life are quite the opposite!

-people who on earth are not inclined to worship or praise God can’t help but do so in heaven, and wish they could do so forever

-you live in the Spirit when you make it a habit to go through your day, moment by moment, inviting the Holy Spirit into every thought, every decision, every action

-God is crazy in love with you and prayer is simply communication with the one who loves you most!

-God knows all of our deepest desires, and enjoys meeting them—in heaven but also on earth.

There are just so, so many things described in this book, that the few that I have featured above, are just a taste, and really don’t do the overall message justice. In fact almost the whole book could be underlined to really portray the message that God inspired John Burke to write about. I find great joy in re-reading this book, as it is so full of God’s love and messages for each person.

There is absolutely no question that by God bringing the topic of NDEs to my attention in the last year, has been an overwhelmingly wonderful thing, and has caused me to think much of the blessings I have had in my life, and what awaits me. I have spent a lot of time missing my sweetheart Marie, of course, but am also so thankful that God rescued her from the evil that she was a victim of and being influenced by. She was an absolute treasure and gift from God in so many ways and I continue to thank and praise Him for Marie.

Marie and I in 1979

 

Marie in 2010

For anyone who has an appreciation for nature and the beauty of God’s creations, from the descriptions given by many who have had an NDE, even the most beautiful places will pale in comparison to the heavenly realm. And for birders who are pursuing a big list of birds here on earth, I will await my time in heaven where I will have an eternity to explore and experience God’s incredible perfect world which will portray His magnificent and diverse creation forever.

This leads me to share a fairly recent song on UCB radio by TobyMac, called Heaven On My Mind. I have had many, many thoughts about heaven these days, and what Marie is experiencing and what I will eventually! Here is the link.

 

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